


i feel feel ( you leaving )

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, Descriptions of Blood, Getting Back Together, Hurt & Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Violence, alternating povs, hospital stays, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 07:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21194072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Based off this prompt:Buck is back with the 118 but it’s definitely not sunshine and daisies. Bobby is hard on him almost to the point of cruelty and the others, especially Eddie follow Bobby’s example. Buck takes it all without complaint knowing he seriously hurt everyone. Other firefighters in the house notice and start picking on Buck too but this one guy wants to seriously hurt Buck for his “disloyalty”. He starts cornering Buck and abusing him until one day Eddie stumbles onto the horrifying sight.





	i feel feel ( you leaving )

**Author's Note:**

> Whoo, this was one hell of a write. I rather enjoy this, since I pushed myself with it. I hope you guys enjoyed it also, especially you, nonnie who requested it.

Six weeks. Six weeks is how long it took before Buck realized that just because he welcomed back into the firehouse, he wasn’t _ welcomed back _ into the fire family. At first, three weeks in, it was just Bobby, and it was just small things like having to do all of the chores for everyone. Then it began to escalate with other people bumping into him, or talking about him behind his back, or ignoring him in general. And while it _ hurt _, especially when it was those he considered direct family, Buck understood, because he knew he had hurt them, and they were just acting out in return.

But as the weeks passed, Buck realized that no one would be welcoming him back any time soon. He ended up eating alone, working alone, never really talking to anyone while working, and dealing with all of that by himself, because by the time six weeks went by, he was a bonafide loner in the doghouse of the firehouse. It reminded him of when he was a teenager, living with his parents and Maddie gone off to college, fending for himself from the words of his mother and abuse of his father.

If he could handle them, he could handle this. Or, at least, he hoped. But six weeks had gone by and Buck felt lonely, lonelier than he had ever felt before, admittedly. Chim wouldn’t talk to him at work, but he would if Buck went to visit Maddie, and that had felt so stilted, that he had ended up not visiting Maddie, because he was tired of seeing Chim, talking to Chim, having that feeling of _ family _ back, no matter how small, only to be completely ignored by Chim while working the next day. There was only so much he could take, admittedly.

But he went through his time at work without complaint, because he understood where everyone was coming from. Even if the weeks had passed, and Buck had thought they would, at the very least, be forgiving of him by this point. But no one was -- no one was talking to him when he entered the firehouse or left it. No one was willing to partner with him, which really sucked, because even if he was _ furious _ with Eddie, he would still have had the other man’s back, and the realization that that brought on -- that maybe Eddie didn’t have his back in the first place, if he was so angry, so unwilling to see where Buck was coming from, after all this time -- _ hurt _ a hell of a lot more than the barbs that people would throw at him when they thought he wasn’t aware of it.

It hurt a hell of a lot more when it was Bobby telling him he wasn’t worth the trouble to work with. When the man he looked up to as an actual father was telling him with his actions that he should have just stayed home, that he wasn’t part of the family any longer. That had been made clear when Bobby had adopted Athena’s kids with Michael’s blessings, and _ everyone _ had been there, even Maddie. Everyone but Buck.

It had been six weeks, and Buck wasn’t sure how much he could take. He had transfer papers in his locker, had had them for two weeks now. But six weeks was nothing, in comparison to the past week.

He knew not everyone was happy with the decision Buck had to sue the city -- knew that they thought of him as a traitor. Knew that they wanted him gone, if only because of the fact that he was _ always _ working alone, even when he was doing something that usually requires a partner. And because he was always alone, he was getting injured more and more, and no one cared and bothered to care.

It hurt, but it’s been six weeks, and he’s slowly getting used to it all over again. Though, he knows he shouldn’t have to get used to it. Knows that if it was anyone else, he probably would have been forgiven already, and welcomed back into the fold. But -- that’s not the case, and he’s understanding of that.

Even if he misses his family like nothing else.

But this past week has been absolute hell, and that’s something he would only admit to himself, during the darkest of his moments. It was one thing, to be ignored and to be treated unfairly, but now -- now it was hard, because now, it was like a dam had broken with the fact that Bobby didn’t seem to care who did what to Buck. And other firefighters in the family had definitely seen that, and decided to do their own thing to Buck, knowing that they wouldn’t get into trouble for it.

Sitting at his locker, hidden in the corner, away from everyone, Buck couldn’t help but breath through the pain in his ribs, a small whimper escaping from him as he remembers the beating he received yesterday from Dodgins and Atkinson, two of the firefighters from a different shift. They were two firefighters that Buck got along quite well with, up until the lawsuit, and they were two firefighters that had decided to make his life hell in this past week, catching him off guard and always alone before beating him, leaving him with bruises well hidden.

Buck hated it, but he deserved it, because of the lawsuit, so he took it. Every inch of pain, every swift kick to his stomach and punch to his back or chest, he took, trying not to whimper and cry and wish _ someone _ , _ anyone _ would walk in.

Buck knew that that was never going to happen. Letting out a soft breath, he finds himself standing up and turning around, ready to leave for the day, hopeful that those two had left the building without looking for him, only to come face to face with said people. Eyes widening, Buck took a step back and gulped, eyes and head turning downward, every inch of his body screaming submission.

He wasn’t going to be heard though, and he knew that. Without a second’s notice, Buck was on the ground, a groan escaping from him as one of the two kicked him, his breath being released and unable to be caught before the person -- Dodgins, probably -- continued to kick him. Buck tried curling inwards, tried protecting his head, but Atkinson had grabbed onto his one arm and twisted it, twisted it far enough that Buck screamed, barely realizing that his arm was broken and his head was being knocked side to side by Atkinson for making noise. He could hear the two men screaming at him, telling him to shut up, to leave, to never come back, and their voices slowly turned into the voice of his father, and another whimper escapes from him as he tries once more to curl up and get away. He’s too weak though, can barely move, and tears come down from his eyes, blood gets coughed up as he tries to breath properly. His ears are ringing, and he can barely hear anything around him, which is why he doesn’t realize that a small group had been attracted by the noise, curious to know what was going on.

And that said group consisted of Hen, Chimney, Bobby and Eddie. 

* * *

The moment they heard the scream, all four of them stood up and ran towards it, the urge to help whomever screamed ingrained into their systems. It wasn’t until they arrived at the corner of the building, where the lockers were that no one wanted, that they realized the scream belonged to Buck and that, more terrifyingly, Buck was currently on the ground, being beaten by one of their own.

Eddie, at a later time, would tell you he swore his heart stopped at that moment, seeing the man he had grown to love curled in on himself, appearing absolutely small. Eddie never wanted to see Buck that small again, and it took him next to no thought to move towards the two men and push them away from Buck with a growl, wondering _ what the fuck _. He could see Bobby moving towards the phone, calling Athena, no doubt, while Hen and Chim glared at the two men.

Eddie, however, moved towards Buck slowly, hesitant, almost like Buck was a frightened animal, afraid to be knocked down even more, and Eddie realized that he _ was _. It had been almost two months since Buck had apologized to the group of them, had explained everything going on in his head. And instead of being there for their family member, they had pushed him away and it had led to this, Buck being completely destroyed.

Kneeling down in front of Buck, Eddie softly called for his friend, trying his best to wipe away the blood on his face without hurting him, his heart breaking at the sound of whimpers coming from Buck, at the way he curled in on himself even more. Looking up at Hen, he shakes his head before looking towards Chimney and Bobby.

“You guys need to call Maddie.” He states, trying to move closer to Buck without scaring the younger man, his heart breaking for him and thinking of things to say to calm him down. Eddie doesn’t know how many minutes pass as he whispers soothing things to Buck, as he tries to calm him down, especially when he starts seizing. He just holds on as best as he can, tears falling steadily down his face as he realizes what a huge mistake was made by not immediately forgiving Buck, by treating him like absolute shit.

Before he knows it, there’s an ambulance pulling in, right next to Athena and Maddie, and his heart is pounding inside his chest as he continues trying to whisper soothing words to Buck, who is no longer whimpering but looking like complete hell, blame coursing through Eddie like nothing he’s ever felt.

Eddie wants to get into the ambulance alongside Buck but Maddie glares at him -- at _ them _ \-- and he lets her inside instead, his heart falling down to his stomach as he watches it leave and then turns and nearly _ runs _ to the trucks, waiting for Bobby with a look that has everyone else following him. He might have ruined things, might have been a shitty human being, but he’ll be damned if he lets that continue after everything that he’s seen today.

The ride to the hospital goes by too slow for Eddie’s liking, his leg bouncing in the spot as his heart pounds. He can’t help but go over the past six weeks, watch everything in his mind’s eye over how he treated his best friend, all because of the anger going through him. He knew better, should have known better, should have treated Buck better because now he might lose his best friend without having admitted to how he really felt, and it would have been completely deserved. 

His head is in his hands by the time they pull up to the hospital, and when he feels the truck come to a stop, he’s out and heading towards the front desk of the hospital, a man on a mission, which almost everyone can tell. He’s about to immediately ask for help before he notices Maddie, and turns and heads towards her instead, sitting next to her even though she’s glaring more heavily at him.

“I deserve your glares, I get that. But right now, I need Evan to wake up so _ he _ can hear my apology, not you,” Eddie says, leg shaking once more. He should have stayed standing, so he could, at the very least, walk back and forth, but he knows he needs to calm down, needs to take deep breaths, call Carla and talk to her and there’s so much to do, but all he can focus on is Buck and how guilty he feels and how angry he is towards the firefighters and more importantly, towards _ himself _.

Eventually, the others make their way towards where Maddie and him are sitting, their bodies filled with tension and tight with it, wanting to know more information but unable to get it. Eddie doesn’t know how much time has passed since everything went down, but the moment he sees the doctor coming towards them, he stands up and shoves his hands into his pockets, hands curled into fists.

He has no idea what the doctor says, just that Buck is okay, and will be staying in the hospital for the night. And while Eddie feels relief going through him, he absolutely wants to sob, if only because Buck has had so many scares in the goddamn past six months and Eddie is _ tired _ and completely at fault for this time around. If he hadn’t pushed Buck away, if he had forgiven him instead of letting his anger control him -- there were so many _ ifs _ and right now, Eddie couldn’t do that. He could blame himself later, and would, but right now, he could only be there for Buck and wait for him to wake up and explain everything and _ grovel _ for forgiveness.

Which is why Eddie immediately settled into the chair next to Buck’s bed the moment he could, Maddie settling into the one on the opposite side, and the team pulling up other chairs around the bed, all four of them having the same idea.

* * *

Light shines into his eyes, and he knows that even though they’re closed, the light is artificial, and Buck finds himself frowning, not completely sure where he is. He doesn’t remember a whole lot -- doesn’t remember going home, but he has to be, because he can feel himself in a bed, with something covering him, even though it doesn’t feel like _ his _ bedding, bedding he is quite cognizant of by now.

He can feel a weight on his bed, and he frowns, because his bed also feels quite small, and with a small groan, Buck slowly pries his eyes open, frowning when he realizes he’s in a goddamn hospital bed, and isn’t that just his luck. He lets out a soft sigh, turning his head the best he can to look around, surprised to see _ everyone _ in the room in various stages of sleep, from Maddie and Chimney, to Hen, Bobby and Eddie. His heart pounds inside his chest while he looks towards Eddie, blinking when he realizes that Eddie’s holding his hand, head resting on the bed, turned towards him.

Gulping, Buck takes a deep breath, cringing, before he remembers being at work, and Dodgins and Atkinson coming for him again. His heart picks up, but he focuses on Eddie and tries to take deep breaths before turning towards Maddie and blinking when he sees her staring at him, a small smile on her face. She moves slightly, closer to him before her fingers run through his hair and a small sob breaks free, try as hard as he might for it not to.

“Shhh,” she whispers, kissing his forehead while he closes his eyes. When she finally pulls back, he lets out a breath and looks at her with confusion.

“Hey, Ev,” she whispers, and he smiles, looking around the room and arching one of his eyebrows at everyone before she sighs.

“They uh -- they heard you scream. The two people attacking you broke your shoulder, and you screamed. They came running and --” Maddie shakes her head, wipes away the tears that were forming before squeezing Buck’s free hand.

“The two who were attacking you were arrested. I’d never seen Bobby so angry,” Maddie whispers, before looking at Eddie. “I’d never seen Eddie so devastated,” she adds, shaking her head. “I think -- I think they’re going to talk to you, about everything. When you’re okay with it. But maybe you should let them,” Maddie adds and Buck frowns, wondering, because whenever Maddie and he did talk, she was so mad at them on his behalf. So for her to change ---

“Eddie was terrified for you, man.” Maddie whispers, a small smile on her face. “Wouldn’t let you out of his sight,” she adds. Buck finds that hard to believe, even opens his mouth to tell Maddie so, but a small groan from the left of him distract him, and Buck watches as Eddie slowly wakes up and looks around, taking everything in, before landing on Buck and staring for a moment before jolting.

“You’re awake,” Eddie whispers, moving forward and reaching out to touch Buck’s cheek, cringing back when Buck flinches. Buck feels bad, because Eddie’s never hurt him physically, never given him the fear of that happening, but Buck still remembers the beatings of the past week, and of his teenage years, and he’s caught right now in those memories, no matter how safe Eddie makes him feel.

“M’sorry,” Buck finds himself whispering with wide eyes, surprise going through him when Eddie shakes his head and sniffles.

“Don’t you dare try to apologize for something that’s not your fault, man,” Eddie responds and Buck hates the damn heart machine, because it means Eddie can tell when his heart begins to race. He wants to say something, but Eddie continues to shake his head and squeezes his hand, leaning forward slightly so he doesn’t have to raise his voice.

“I’m the one whose sorry, Evan.” Eddie whispers, and Buck feels his eyes widen even more at that, and he shakes his head, wishing he could speak more loudly.

“No, seriously. I let my anger control me. And I’m not going to explain myself to you in a hospital bed, with everyone listening in--” Eddie stops here, lips quirking upwards when there’s movement around the room and Buck finds himself chuckling before Eddie continues, “I’d rather apologize for everything in private, so I will. But I will apologize to you now, for letting my anger control me, for letting my anger not accept your apology. Because if I hadn’t done that -- if I had accepted your apology weeks ago, there’s no way in hell Dodgins and Atkinson would have thought it was alright to hurt you repeatedly,” Eddie finishes, hand squeezing Buck’s hand tightly, but Buck doesn’t cringe, squeezing back himself and nodding, eyes filling up with tears as Bobby clears his throat.

Both Buck and Eddie look towards Bobby, and Buck finds himself surprised once again to see Bobby’s eyes filled with tears as he steps closer.

“I need to apologize myself, Buck. I’m so damn sorry, kid. If I -- If I hadn’t treated you how I had treated you, Atkinson and Dodgins would have _ never _ thought, for one second, that it would be okay to hurt you.” Bobby whispers, shaking his head as he wipes at his face. “They told me everything -- how they’d been beating you whenever you were by yourself for the past week, stealing things from your locker, even removing the safety from the items of your gear. They’ve been fired and arrested, but their behavior was made okay by my behavior. I failed you, kiddo, and I will never forgive myself for that,” Bobby responds, and Buck tries his hardest to not sob at the words.

“You found the transfer papers, then?” Buck asks, and Bobby nods.

“We’ll transfer you, if it’s what you really want. But I hope you’re willing to stay, and willing to give us another chance. We were terrible. I was terrible. And I know all of that doesn't mean a lot without actions to prove it - just all of us, myself included, would like to make it up to you. Prove that you are still family, no matter how terrible we were.” Bobby finishes and Buck can’t stop the sob that breaks free from him. Buck can feel something clawing deep inside of him, aching to be set free with each sob that he lets loose, unable to believe the words that Bobby has just said, though a very large part of him does believe those words. He’s been waiting almost two months for Bobby to say those words, and now that he has, there’s something inside of Buck that feels like a puzzle piece has been slotted into place. He can still feel Eddie’s hand in his own, and he squeezes, tries to stop himself from making a fool of himself. 

He doesn’t know if it works though, doesn’t know how much he can believe to be real even though Bobby is as close as he can get, Hen and Chim having woken up a few minutes ago and standing by Buck’s feet.

“You guys are -- you’ll always be my family,” Buck says through the sobs, shaking his head as he tries to control himself, tries to stop himself from gasping in pain with his ribs hurting. “No matter how much you ignored me, or talked about me behind my back, I always --” Buck responds with another sob, shaking his head as he takes in a deep breath and then releases it, repeating the process a few times before looking at everyone for a few minutes. 

“The past six weeks have been brutal. So brutal that yes, I thought about transferring. But even in my darkest moments, when I thought about doing that, I didn’t want to commit to it because you guys are my family. I love every single one of you. Chim, the little brother that’s slightly annoying. Hen the older sister that’s wise beyond her years. Bobby, good ol’ pops,” Buck laughs, using his free hand to wipe the tears that have gathered at his eyes, watching as everyone else laughs.

“Eddie, the guy I fell for,” Buck hiccoughs while Eddie squeezes his hand and Chim whispers something he doesn’t catch but is no doubt about a bet. He can hear Maddie laugh but he shakes his head.

“No matter what you guys had done, or said, I was always going to forgive you. Because I came back here for you. I threw away millions of dollars so I could be with you guys. I wasn’t going to just… throw that away, also,” Buck responds with a whisper, his one shoulder shrugging while he lets out a breath of frustration.

“And now I’m stuck on light duty again because of those assholes, and I just always feel stuck,” he admits, not knowing what else he could say in this moment. The room remains quiet before Bobby steps forward.

“We’ll be there for you, you know that right? No more letting you think you’re alone, now or ever. We’ll be there for you, help you, and prove to you that you’re one of us, you belong with us, and we _ love _ you.” Bobby adds while Hen nods.

“We’ve been idiots, Buckaroo. But we’re not going to be idiots again. And if we are, I’m sure your older sister will smack some sense into us,” Hen adds while Maddie huffs to his side and Buck nods, knowing how right Hen is. The group remains silent for a few minutes, just basking in all of it, and Buck doesn’t know what to do, trapped on the bed. It isn’t until Maddie stands up and states she’s getting coffee that Chimney follows. Shortly after that, Hen says she’s going to call Karen, and Bobby says he’ll call Athena, get an update on everything. Buck can’t help but snort once it’s just Eddie and himself in the room, shaking his head at the most obvious setup he’s ever seen in his life.

“They’re very obvious, aren’t they?” Eddie whispers with a laugh while Buck just looks at Eddie with a small smile.

“I guess they think we don’t have our shit together, despite the fact that we’re holding hands,” Buck chuckles and Eddie can’t help but laugh back, leaning forward and kissing the top of Buck’s forehead. Buck allows himself to close his eyes and hum in contentment. It’s been so long since he’s been able to let himself relax, to let himself feel loved. Before the embolism, before the tsunami, Eddie and he had talked about starting something, about going on dates. They had gone on dates, dates that had ended well and had proven to Buck that there was something there.

And then he had gone and fucked it all up, and even when he had apologized, he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to get it back. Wasn’t sure if Eddie was ever going to forgive him. But Eddie was here, and had apologized, and hadn’t let go of his hand during the entire time, and Buck finally felt calm.

“Can I see Christopher when I get better?” He asks, voice hesitant and unsure, but full of curiosity. He hasn’t seen the little man in forever, misses him with everything he’s got. “It’s alright if you’re not ready to let me back into his life. I’d understand completely, but I miss the little dude and I think --” Buck stops, eyes widening when Eddie leans forward and kisses him, effectively shutting him up for the few minutes he kisses back before he needs to breath. 

Eddie rests his head against Buck’s, the two just breathing one another in before Buck lets out another sob combined with a laugh.

“I really wish I could hold onto you right now,” Buck admits, voice quiet as Eddie smiles in response and kisses him once more, breaking away before kissing the tip of his nose.

“Tomorrow, hopefully. You have bruised ribs, a slight concussion and a broken shoulder, so you should be able to come home soon. I know I have a lot of apologizing to do, Evan, but I hope you’re willing to come home with me and Christopher, and eventually, get back to where we left off.” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself smiling in response.

“I would always love to come home with you. Up until yesterday, I didn’t believe I was ever going to be able to be in your life or Christopher’s life ever again. I thought you hated me, and wanted me to have nothing to do with you two. So having that option? Hell yes, I’m going to take it.” Buck laughs, still in disbelief while Eddie laughs alongside him.

“Good. Because I want you by my side, babe. Even if it’s through fights and arguments and both of us being incredibly stupid.” Eddie chuckles while Buck arches an eyebrow.

“Like illegal street fighting?” He asks and Eddie freezes, which only causes Buck to laugh and squeeze his hand. “Bosko told me before she went back to her station. You never saw me, but I always made sure you were okay. Figured if you wanted me to know, I would.” Buck adds while Eddie only laughs and shakes his head.

“Just my luck.”

“Yeah well, we all make mistakes when we’re without one another, apparently,” Buck whispers, a yawn breaking free while Eddie smiles.

“I guess it’s best we make sure not to do that anymore, huh?” Eddie responds with a small laugh while Buck nods and hums, closing his eyes.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Always babe, always,” Eddie whispers, moving forward to kiss Buck once more before sitting back and watching him fall asleep, grinning when the team comes back into the room slowly. Things may not be perfect right now, but Eddie knows, eventually, they will be. And he’s more than okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you liked about this? Talk to me on [tumblr](https://laumeidelfin.tumblr.com).


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